If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Do you really want to celebrate getting one year older? It’s just one year closer to not being able to get to the bathroom on your own. Happy Birthday, pee pee pants. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You have been bad and should be on the look-out for your punishment. We don’t do the “sit down and talk about it and give you a little spanking” type thing.  We do the “guerrilla warfare crazy” type thing. Cause that’s how we roll. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) When you think about Elvis, try to remember that you too are spreading around the middle and how many fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches you have been eating lately. Use extra caution when going number 2. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) From the way that we see things, you only have 2 choices. You can do the one option and be clubbed to death by some prehistoric man-beast thingy or you can do the other thing and be torn to shreds by a rampaging rhino. Man, we are glad that you have to make the decision and not us. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will have plenty of reasons to just curl up and stay in bed. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will have no trouble standing out in a crowd today. Is that an allergic reaction or something? Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The entire world will crumble, trembling at your feet. Everything you desire will be handed to you on a silver platter. Hot chick down the street – yours! Big promotion with a corner window – yours! Candy apple red vintage sports car – yours! (all of these things WILL happen to you, provided you do not read your horoscope under any circumstances) Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will be touched by that hand of fate. Oh, yeah, may we mention, Fate’s Hand hurts like the sting of a billion bees dipped in kerosene and lit on fire. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Young females will be drawn to you today. Of course, which is par for the course for your luck, all of these female are from the island of the Amazons. They hate all men and want to make all women who deny their dominance become slaves. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will be stuck by a moment of sheer brilliance today. It happened while you were taking a nap. You thought it was a dream and promptly forgot everything about it when you woke up. You will now spend the rest of your life, trying in vain, to perfectly recreate all of the circumstances that led you to such a huge breakthrough. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Some people think that you are a rose waiting for the perfect moment to bloom. We know the truth.  Aphids ate the opening mechanism a long time ago. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Thursday, in the not too distant future, you will have a chance encounter with the leader of an alien race. They want to make peace and bring great fortunes and riches and new technologies to Earth. We think we should tell you that in their culture, blinking is a sign of disrespect. Don’t blow this for the rest of us. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) When you decide to get out of bed, feed the dog. He must be hungry, he already ate half of your new rug.]]]]> ]]>