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Just Plain Fun

Horoscopes for May 5, 2011

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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  The fact is that it’s Cinco de Mayo and you’ve got one singular mission… Get ripped!  Hot dangit!  We’re there with ya! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Today is the first time that you’ll ever notice that really hot brown-haired beauty that you’ve been drooling over is un-naturally repulsed by you.  It’s only because you have something green in your teeth.  Keep a toothpick handy! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Sniff the flowers… not the glue. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You are a water sign… the time is right to run away.  We know not what you’re running from, but run fast! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Eat marshmallows. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Purchase something ridiculous today.  It will make you feel like you actually accomplished something that resembles change in your life. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The time is nigh…  be on the look-out for a sign… Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Don’t be silly.  You cannot shrink an asteroid with Preparation H… Leo (July 23 – August 22) Aliens have invaded and are setting up shop inside your body.  It won’t be long now. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Tell your mom that you love her, but just didn’t remember that this Sunday is Mother’s Day… That way when she gets the flowers that you ordered from The Ivy Place, she’ll be surprised.  You’re a loser and are admitting it, but she’ll think that you’re a winner when she gets her gift.   You can thank us on Monday! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Today will change your life forever.  You’ll lose – and lose big – but the loss will help to shape all of your tomorrows… Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your computer is lagging and making your life difficult.  It’s needs an overhaul.  You’re gonna need to take out a loan. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will be overwhelmed with the urge to photograph the “Leaning Tower of Pizza.”   Good luck with that.]]]]> ]]>

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