Horoscopes for May 3, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Now that you are old enough, we should tell you that that dream you had as a child was real. Your parents convinced you that it was a dream. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Young caribou will be on a migration cycle that will land them in your front yard. We know that they don’t even live on this continent, so we are confused too. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Please post this as your Facebook status if you believe that the rats truly know and predict the true future. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Stop what you are doing! Stand up and shake. Shake like a dog getting out of the tub. You will feel better. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Sundown will be an important time for you. Try not to blow it. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will cross paths with someone that will change your life for the better. Too bad you will be too busy picking up your stuff to notice. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) While you were sleeping we took care of the problem that will remain un-mentioned. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Dive into the deep end. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Laugh at yourself today. Everyone else will. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Have fun trying to explain how your clothes ended up on the roof. Bet you don’t even know why. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Try hard to get your point across today. Yell. People seem to like that. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Every other Scorpio will have a great day. You, however, are getting a heaping dose of extra creamy crap. Dig in, it won’t be your last dose. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You just have to wiggle the blue wire while, simultaneously, standing on your left foot, brushing your hair with your right hand and eating a donut with your left. See how easy that was. You would have figured it all out…eventually.]]]]> ]]>