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Just Plain Fun

Horoscopes for May 25, 2011

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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You have our permission to freak out.  You are one year closer to the grave and you really should start thinking about your future – or rather the lack thereof.  Try to enjoy the first of your last days. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) As you know by now, the prediction of the “Rapture” did not come to pass.  It’s funny.  We know that it’s all bunk in the first place – we read the bible and cannot find one single mention of it – anywhere – but there are many people – and apparently stars – who believed the prediction.   What we’re trying to say is…  WE CAN’T FIND YOUR STARS!!!  How can we tell the future if we can’t find your stars?!? Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will pick the world’s larges booger today.  Be proud.  Donate it to a museum. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your world will change later this afternoon.  You will realize that you have been left all alone… on your couch… with an empty bag of Cheetos and a half a glass of tea.  When Oprah signs off, you will begin to cry.   She is leaving you and she never even knew how much you cared.   That will destroy a part of you.   One of the good parts.   You will think that she is nothing but a selfish, no-good, pompous, arrogant, worthless piece of garbage.   While you are not in a position to make that judgment (right or wrong) it’s something that Sigmund Freud would call “transference.”  You really should talk to a counselor.. and not Dr. Phil!!! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Press the big red button when you see it.  Watch in amazement at the results of your actions. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The closest thing to excitement you will experience today is when you clean the bug guts off your windshield. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Don’t stop when the bum asks you for a cigarette.  You will be sucked into a conversation that will leave you brain-dead and will force your loved ones to have to make the difficult decision about turning off the machine. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Breathe heavily when you’re on the phone today.   Just do it.  We know it sounds crazy, but do it.   You will have more fun trying to figure out the reaction of the people on the other end of the line.  Plus, it will help you pass the time on this otherwise boring day. Leo (July 23 – August 22) We should advise you that the Magic 8 Ball is not a reliable way to answer questions about your future.  You should really turn to an expert – or experts – when it comes to making your decisions.   The answer to the question you are looking for at this time is… “The outlook is not good.” Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will wake up itching.   You will continue to itch throughout the day.  It’s not psoriasis or eczema… it’s fleas.   Grab yourself a flea collar and go about your day.  If someone asks you about the new accessory, just tell them that it’s all the rage in Paris. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your reaction should be sheer and utter panic.   Scream, grab at your hair, and run away. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You cannot fly like an eagle, but you can fly on American Eagle, but why would you do so when your bags fly free on Southwest? Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will finally figure out the mathematical equation that will tell you exactly how far you can see when you are looking out onto the ocean on a clear day.  When you do…  Let us know.   It’s just some worthless bit of trivia, because (like most of the algebra you learned in school) who really understands that stuff in the first place.   Think about it.   How many times have you actually performed math associated with the equation Π R2?  Really… how many times?  We bet you that every single one of them was in school.   We hated math, but knowing this equation will tell us how far we have to climb to be able to see for a thousand miles…. just like we hear in the song.]]]]> ]]>

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