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Just Plain Fun

Horoscopes for May 24, 2011

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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Your friends are planning a surprise party. Normally we would never spoil a surprise, but we know how weak your bladder is. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Once in a while you have to stand up for what you believe in. If you don’t believe people were meant to eat lettuce, rush the salad bar at the buffet. You have the right to live a lettuce free existence. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) In all honesty, we have no clue what the future holds for you. You have gone so far off the radar that we can’t even see the little red blink light. If you ever head back this way, stop by and see us sometimes. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Wringing your hands and pacing will not help this situation. You have to put your waders on and get dirty. Nothing like the smell of raw sewage to build a healthy appetite. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Sounds of pure heaven will reach your ears. Too bad the sounds of your real life (screaming kids, vacuum cleaner, emergency sirens racing towards your house) will drown it out. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will sail off into a world of wonder and joy. A land filled with soothing sounds and a warm breeze. Too bad you will wake up in a tub full of freezing cold water. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) After the way you will act this evening, you’ll be lucky if any of your friends want to be seen in public with you ever again. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There is a glint of hope on the horizon. Wait, that isn’t hope, it’s an old candy wrapper. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Eventually you will have all of the answers that you need to complete your journey and beat the super extreme supreme boss. Oh, you thought that super extreme supreme supreme bosses were only in video games? Well, aren’t you in for an unfortunate surprise. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Smile.  They’ve got you on video.  It will be uploaded to YouTube soon.  You should think of a cover story. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Yes.  There is a Satan Claus.  That’s not a typo.  He’s out there and he’s after you. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Don’t go near the water.  As a matter of fact, you should probably avoid bathtubs, showers, sinks, toilets (urinals are okay as long as you let someone else flush it – even if you’re a girl)  You can probably put enough perfume/cologne on to cover the smell for the day.  Tomorrow will be okay, but today – you really shouldn’t be handling water.  Let’s just say that it’s your electrifying personality and leave it at that. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Maybe you should think of a new career path.  Once the boss finds out what you’ve been doing while you’re alone at your desk, your days are numbered.]]]]> ]]>

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