Horoscopes for May 2, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  How out of breath will you be when you blow the candles out?  That’s the question that will plague you today.  Don’t worry.  You won’t pass out or anything but be forewarned…  they’re gonna put those magic candles on your cake. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will have extreme difficulties with your memory today.  You just won’t be able to remember what you were supposed to be doing.  Don’t look to us for answers… we don’t know either… we’re Capricorns, too!  We don’t even remember why we’re writing this… it’s just what we do….  it’s how we roll! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Push as many buttons as you can today.  One of them may prove to do something interesting. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Spend the day living la vida loca. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Say something completely outlandish to any new person that you meet on this day.  You will be able to gauge their reaction and tell whether or not you can be friends with them in the future.  They may think that you’re a bit crazy, but most will think that you’re original and quick witted.  Boy… you’ve got them fooled! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’ve heard the old adage “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade,” right?  Well, today… we hope you like lemonade! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Why did you do that thing that you did yesterday?  We told you that it was a bad idea.  Right?  Oh… sorry… we were supposed to tell you that it was a bad idea but the thought of the broken glass somehow got us sidetracked.   Today’s outlook is obscured by the fallout from the events of yesterday.  Try to put them behind you and deal with things as best you can.   Sorry that this day’s gonna go right down the drain.  Our bad! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Do you really understand that we’re here trying to help you out?  Don’t you read this with the right intentions?  This is not for “entertainment purposes only.”  This is the real deal… we’re trying to steer you in the right direction, but you just keep spitting in our faces.  Anyway… we digress… Your day is looking pretty good! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Live long and prosper. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Hey!  We don’t know how things are gonna go for you today, but we just wanted to say hello!  We ate lots of chocolate when we were reading the stars and we’re on a really huge sugar rush.  We may get back with you soon. Libra (September 23 – October 22) The scales of life will be brought into balance today.  This could be really good… or really bad.   You should be nervous. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Eat lots of seafood… avoid that if you’re allergic.  It’s good/bad for your health… dependent upon the circumstances. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will see Elvis today.]]]]> ]]>