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Just Plain Fun

Horoscopes for May 15, 2011

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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You are beginning to realize that you need a bigger place to live.  It’s not because your possessions have begun to over-run your home, it’s because you’re getting too big to be able to move about the house comfortably.  Take a pass on the fifth piece of birthday cake, buster! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You’ll soon find love with someone who is absolutely perfect for you.  They lack any form of self-respect.  They’re indifferent, lazy, dim-witted…  WOW….  You’re gonna find your soul mate!  Give your self a high five! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Your career is about to take a sharp turn to the left!  You, however, will feel the overwhelming urge to turn right! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The extreme conditions we are experiencing will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Stop telling everyone that you have a unique vision.  You don’t.  You see things just the way we see things… well… maybe not… we see them from just a few inches off the ground and you see things from a much higher vantage point, but the point remains the same.  We see the world in exactly the same way and unless you see the world as if it’s a kaleidoscope, your vision is not unique.   Imagination – maybe…. vision – NO! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It’s hard to tell someone who’s always been there for you that you’re no longer in love with them.  Luckily for you, insensitivity is your strong suit! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) They say “Nice guys finish last.”   Boy… you sure proved ’em wrong.    You’re not nice and you’re a loser!  Way to go! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Professional athletes often help out in their communities, but you’ve been a problem in your community for years, and athletes will not be helping you any time soon! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will spend your day trying to remember the name of the seventh dwarf.   Way to spend your life, Dopey! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Your inability to tell right from wrong combined with your ability to charm the skin off a snake will lead you to a successful life in Washington DC! Libra (September 23 – October 22) It will seem like a good idea to hire a stripper to burst out of your friend’s cake, but consider this question:  What self-respecting stripper would ever talk to you? Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) When forced with a difficult choice, do what we do…  Sit in quiet meditation and think to yourself… “What would Betty White do?” Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Today, while reflecting on your childhood, you will come to the sudden and groundbreaking realization that all four of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were named after famous artists!]]]]> ]]>

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