Horoscopes for March 30, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Wouldn’t it be great if this were a day that people were generally nice to you and brought you presents?  Too bad.  It’s gonna be just an ordinary average day where you’re ignored, harassed and insulted… and that’s how your friends treat you.  Sucks to be you! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will have a “Julia Child Moment” while cooking.  You’ll be wont to experiment with all kinds of spices and ingredients that you’ve never thought of using.  Lucky for you and your dinner guests that the emergency room is open 24/7. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) When in doubt… don’t do what it is that made you doubt. Duh. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) There will be a tremendous amount of activity in your workplace today.  Most of it will be centered around the things that Sheila found in your desk drawer.  And you thought your secret was safe. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You are the center of your universe… just so you know, the center of any universe is a black hole.  So…  anything that’s near you is sucked in and reduced to nothingness.  Wow.  Isn’t that awesome! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Give us one reason to stay here and we’ll turn right back around… no… We’re not quoting lyrics to the song… We’re just demonstrating to you that there is no reason to stay and you can watch us walk away.  Don’t feel bad.  There aren’t many people that can make us stick around… Look on the bright side… at least we aren’t running away from you. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You smell like moth balls.  Good for you!  Now go try and attract a butterfly.  Tell us if it works… We called Jimmy the Spazz and he’s running a line of 20:1.  We’ve hedged our bets, but we’re rooting for you! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The couch gave you pains in places that you never knew could hurt.  This is a good thing.  Now you know that you need to buy a new couch.  While you’re at it, see if you can get some drapes to match the carpet.  Oh.  Buy the goat some food.  He’s finished with the yard and has started on the bumper of your car. Leo (July 23 – August 22) OK.  We’ve been trying to warn you by sending you psychic messages…  All those weird things that have been happening are NOT coincidences.  There IS a conspiracy against you and you should do everything in your power to protect yourself.    Watch out for an attack from above.  Something is going to hit you in the head today… Maybe a meteor… maybe a toilet seat from the International Space Station… maybe just bird droppings, but you should probably wear a hat. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The shakeups in the Middle East will seem peaceful when compared to your bathroom visits today… We hope you stocked up on paper products! Libra (September 23 – October 22) There is a fine line between genius and insanity.  It’s a good thing you’re well below the line! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Tonight will be a fantastic night for romance.  You should prepare.  Bob and Brenda won’t be coming over… they’ll be caught up in a moment… leaving you to dine alone… again. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The gibberish that you’ve been hearing is not people trying to deliberately confuse you.  You’ve got a peanut stuck in your ear and it’s making everything sound garbled.   How did you do that, anyway?]]]]> ]]>