Horoscopes for March 26, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Big whoop. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will see a person dressed up like Smurfette, complete with blue body paint.  That person will look familiar, but you won’t be able to place them until your nightmare on July 27th. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You should get used to being pointed at. There is nothing that can be done to cure it. Sorry. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) In the grand scheme of things, you are doing pretty good. Next week, however, will be a different story. You should prepare to hybernate. Make sure you have plenty of supplies. Aries (March 21 – April 19) When you get bored later today, run out to Home Depot. Buy 6 rolls of duct tape, 2 painter’s tarps, rope and a shovel. We know monwy is tight, but you will remember the look on the cashier’s face forever. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Be a teller instead of a doer today. People will not like your story very much when you jump up and act out the rain by throwing your co-worker’s just delivered flowers on the floor and splashing the water all around. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will get the overwhelming urge to eat chocolate ice cream spread thinly on a hamburger with Miracle Whip and a fried egg. Yum. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) When you think back to your childhood you will remember all of the mud pies and dirt chocolate milk you consumed. Ahhh, the good old days! Leo (July 23 – August 22) The word of the day is “cantankerous.”  Try to use it as many times as you can today and then wait to see how many people copy you tomorrow. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Claim that today is “George Carlin Day” in your life.  Live by Carlin’s line “These are OUR rules!  We make ’em up!”  We understand that one of your rules involves you skipping through the mall while singing the theme from the Smurfs at the top of your lungs, but face it… that will draw undue criticism.  We’re not saying that you shouldn’t do it.  Not by a long shot… but when you do.. make sure that you’ve applied copious amounts of blue body paint, wear a blonde wig and dress like Smurfette!  That way, you won’t get recognized! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your insides feel a little weird today.  Might we suggest staying outside and downwind of people… and for goodness sake… don’t get into an elevator with anybody. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Most days at work are like walking on a treadmill at the gym.  There’s lots of motion but you really aren’t going anywhere.  Today will be different.  Somebody will turn up the speed very suddenly and you’ll be thrown up against the wall. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will never be able to live that down.  Don’t do it.  Go to the fridge, grab the onions and throw them away.  What you’re thinking is just wrong.  NOW!  Go..  What are you waiting for.  We’re sure.  That’s just a bad idea.  That won’t do.  What would your mother say?  Would she be proud of you for doing it?  We know that daddy would laugh, but daddy laughed at just about anything… he thought that Cliff was the funniest character on Cheers…  does that tell you anything.    We’re pretty sure what you’re planning to do is illegal in at least twelve states and we’re just trying to protect you.]]]]> ]]>