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Just Plain Fun

Horoscopes for June 1, 2011

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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Pounce on the first opportunity that presents itself today.  Your actions will change your life in the most unimaginable way.  We don’t know if it will be a good thing or a bad thing in the short term, but let’s face it, anything that breaks the monotony of your existence can’t be bad in the long term! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Your day will seem to be rolling along just fine when things will take a turn for the better.  Hey… every day can’t be bad!  Tomorrow will be but you should really focus on the present… not the future. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) We know that you are questioning the validity of our advice to you… you are asking yourself whether you should be taking life advice from creatures who are prone to cancer and have short life spans.   You should have faith… our sheer numbers should strengthen your resolve.  So what if Pedro died yesterday… we replaced him with his grandson Paolo a very long time ago and Marguerite is entitled to her thirty six hours of mourning.  Now get back to work and we’ll try to let this lapse of faith pass with no further mention.  Oh… you will need a towel today.  Don’t ask us why.  You won’t believe the reason anyway. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your daily intake of beans is beginning to worry those around you.  You should also be taking Bean-O… that will help to soothe many of the problems you are having. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You have surrounded yourself with a motley crew who all make you feel superior, but inside you know that the only reason that you hang out with them is that it makes you feel better about yourself.  While that may be good for your emotional well-being right now, think about how much better you could be if you surrounded yourself with winners instead of losers.  Maybe you are the one holding yourself back. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Today is a good day for stopping to smell the roses.  Just remember to only smell them…  That little old lady worked really hard to cultivate those bushes and she guards them with a shotgun. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You should join the “Save the Planet” movement.   You’ve already made a good start.  This is the third day this week that you’ve worn the same underwear….  make a statement and wear the exact same clothes you had on yesterday…  so what if there’s a mustard stain on your shirt… Are you an environmental hero or an environmental zero? Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You need a haircut. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Don’t cry over spilled milk… or the truck that will run into you later in the day.  Remember Jimbo’s one good piece of advice…  If you ain’t bleeding, you ain’t hurt. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Have an adventure today… go pick out your coffin… bring back some literature from the funeral home and let people see that you have it.  Talk to them about the different models and ask their advice on what they would pick out…   People will wonder if there’s something wrong with you (medically speaking) and as long as you don’t let them know that you are perfectly fine, they’ll begin to treat you a little better than they did before Libra (September 23 – October 22) Did you know that lint is one of the most flammable substances that there is on the planet?  We learned it from a Farmer’s Insurance commercial and thought you should know, too. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) This day will begin and end like most other days, but the middle will be filled with many curious happenings.  Be prepared for just about anything today and if it goes to pot, head to bed early. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Sing loudly today.  You could be discovered by a talent scout…  only if you could carry a tune in a bucket, but you may get that bit part in the movie they’re about to be filming.]]]]> ]]>

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