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Opinion

"Get Out of My Way!!!"

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Story submitted by Traci Duncan of Kosciusko, MS You have no doubt heard of  Murphy’s Law.  We have all have given him credit for our life’s mishaps.   Well, one day recently, I found myself defending my whole day to Murphy and his co-council, Finagle & Hofstadter.  Their mottos are “if it can go wrong, it will and at the wrong time and relief will take its sweet time coming to the rescue.” My experience is now one of their exhibits.   The hijinks of these three figurative counselors can bring a person’s day to a screeching halt like a stern faced career patrol man staring you down as you scramble to prove who you are… making you wince like you just ate a piece of sour candy.  These guys will put your day on trial in a heartbeat!  Why, the other morning they had their law books out methodically and purposely seeking to convict my every move. They began their case early as I was getting out of bed.  I woke up happy for all of about 2 seconds until I rolled over on Jo Jo, my little long haired Chihuahua, who screamed and jetted out from under the covers to escape… flinging herself off the top of my high rise king size bed and landing on the carpet chin first.  Watching her was like watching the TV show “Wipe Out!.”  I was her audience gasping and feeling all the pain of her slow motion fall.  The look on her little face said “Get out of my way! You nearly killed me!”  That’s when I first realized Murphy was taking notes. My guilt and I watched my now untrusting dog sulked off to recover.  “This way”, the sarcastic counselor led.   I put on my housecoat and followed Murph to the kitchen, where the first and most important button in the house was waiting to be pressed. Yeah, you knew it…the coffee pot.   While it was brewing, I let Bootsie, my cat, in the front door and went to press the second most important button… the remote control to my HDTV.   As I adjusted my glasses, instantly – well, not really instantly, cause I have satellite – there they were…my Fox Friends.   I am as addicted to listening to their take on the day’s news as my grandmother was to watching “Days of Our Lives” everyday of her life.    So, there I was, propped in the doorway, trying to decide if I could look like Gretchen with my wardrobe when I heard the coffee pot pop its final perk. As my cup and the lip of the coffee pot met I realized that something was missing…but, what?  Oh no! There was no good to the last drop aroma!  What had happened to the best part of waking up? And there was only clear, hot water flowing into my “May the Force be with You” coffee cup!  One of the Barristers whispers in my ear “Now, would you look at that.  How do you suppose that happened, Einstein?”  If I had been more flexible I would have kicked myself  because I cannot stand stupid mistakes.  But, my Foxy Friends inspired me to be cheerful so, I reminded myself that there were many folks overcoming far more serious problems.  I had this.  But, I only needed to take two steps toward my cupboard and the Plaintiff’s Counsel was on me, slamming down their 100 page brief to counter my positive attitude.   For, as I reached for the loosely closed coffee bag, Bootsie suddenly noticed me and did his best footwork to encourage me to pick up the kitty food.   As he did figure 8’s between my ankles I lost my grip on the bag of coffee and wham!…to the floor it went! Ah, well now, there was that missing aroma!  And, this is the part where I, the Defendant,  lost my cool under the pressure. I screamed at my cat, “Would you please get out of my way?!”   As I watched his orange tail fly around the corner I angrily turned to survey the mess I had made.  It was scattered from one corner to the other over my vinyl imitation tile floor.  I distinctly heard one of my  prosecutors smart off statistical banter “There must be at least 2 million individual grounds in half a bag of gourmet coffee”   I was in no mood to argue the point.  I stood there pondering whether I should use the broom or vacuum but realized that either way I was going to have to walk on the coffee to get to my tools.   At $7.00 a bag, that was an expensive little stroll.  Oh, well, I thought, comforted by the sounds of Brian and Steve’s conversations in my living room… I can fix this. After I cleaned up the mess I fed the cat and decided that I would just get a cup of coffee on the way to work.   Work!  Oh, my gosh!  I flew through the motions of getting myself ready!  Finally ready, I grabbed my purse and cell phone.   The front door slammed behind me and as I reached my car I stopped abruptly.   Where were my keys?  I heard Murph mumbling.  What did he say? Murph’s partner, Finagle, snickered. “He said your problems are becoming more serious.”   Really.  I hadn’t noticed.  What I needed was one of those apps on my phone that you click and it opens any door for you like a genie. My prepay phone doesn’t do that. I flipped it open and scrolled down to my daughter’s name and paused a second realizing that she was going to have to dress and haul her two little children with her and drive her mini van clear across town just to let me in my house.  She would be smiling at my senility.   She would be yelling at my grandchildren.  They would be crying to get out and play with their Mimi.   Reluctantly, I pressed the call button.   “Thirty minutes at the most,” she promised.  I sighed and pondered calling my boss to explain why my dependable self was here instead of there.  No excuse would have been good enough for being late, so I just called in sick and sat down in the rocking chair on my front porch and started imagining what it would be like to have a TV show come improve my curb appeal. Suddenly, I realized that 45 minutes had zoomed by.  Where was she?  I picked up my cell and it rang. “I’m behind some moron, Mom!”  Then, in a voice so loud that it left my ear ringing, she yelled at the car in front of her “Would you please get out of my way?!” Hofstadter’s laughter and applause was almost deafening.   I prayed to the kangaroo court to please adjourn and began to strategize that once back inside my home I would restart my day with a cup of Swiss Mocha and some instrumental music. Murphy, Finagle and Hofstadter had thrown the book at me.  I wish they would get out of my way!]]]]> ]]>

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